I said I was taking this blog public in my last post. I still haven’t.
I guess that makes me a pussy.
Honestly, I am a bit scared. I have no idea how people will react to what I have to say. I’ve always been content to stay in the background, always “that nice quiet kid”. But I’m sick of that. 2011 has been one of the toughest years for me, what with everything going on, and I’m even more concerned about what lies ahead. I’ve been hearing more and more that the medication I’m taking will permanently alter my brain chemistry. My personality. Is it really worth it just to succeed in school? Are grades that important? Who the fuck will I be by this time next year?
And my back isn’t getting any better. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even sit and play guitar without pain. But guitar has been the only thing to keep me sane for the past months… I can’t bear to lose it.
I need help, and I’m not afraid to admit it anymore. My whole life I’ve tried to be independent, because I thought I couldn’t show any weakness. That it would make me somehow inferior. Everything has been a fucking competition. I’m done. I’m not pretending anymore, and I’m not trying to be someone else so I’ll be accepted or thought to be good enough. My resolution for 2012 is to end the facade. Nothing is ok. It’s time people knew. I might sound conceited or self-absorbed to assume that you guys care about my problems, but at the very least it feels good to have them out there for everyone to see if they want to. Maybe I’ll find people who will support me.
Thanks for reading this far. I don’t want pity, just understanding. I know this wasn’t the clearest of announcements, so if you would be so kind you can look at all my other posts starting with the first.
Please excuse all of this talk about myself. It’s probably not very polite to think you all care about my issues.
PS-Miles, I love you. I didn’t mean to rip off your idea of an internet journal, but it was a good one.
The Resolution by Jack’s Mannequin